Were are very popular at the moment. Us autistic people and neurodivergent people in general. There are autistic characters in movies, in popular series, books and even in children’s animations. Many of these characters are also women or girls and they are a great way to speak the so far untold truth of the ones who don’t belong and finally give the thing a name. A name, a title, a diagnosis, a late diagnosis, a justification.
But alas! Cause there’s another factor you haven’t be told about before getting your diagnosis: the doubt. The right of others to doubt your diagnosis, your troubles, your genuineness. You know what I am talking about. Family scoffing at you when after a lot of reluctance you finally announce them your diagnosis, friends laughing in shock, all still expecting you to mask as before and make their lives easy by not disturbing the waters. And it’s not surprising at all of course. People have been doubting well established facts that weren’t convenient for them for ages, something that is still unfortunately considered as a socially acceptable behaviour (religion, new age mumbo jumbo, and the stupid list goes on). In some cases and places it is actually the norm to doubt scientific evidence, one of the most commonly hated one being the evolution of life on earth. But don’t take me wrong. I think doubt is a perfectly acceptable and healthy feeling, provided that it’s guided by reason and a structured, logical thinking process. But this is often not the case when people around you doubt your precious and long awaited on diagnosis. This particular doubt just stems from the fact that the whole situation is contra-intuitive and highly inconvenient for them. That’s why they scoff or they get angry and defensive. Who are you to give them disclaimers after all?
If you are a bright person that has been successful in some things in life, this situation can be even more complicated. Yes, autistic people can be good in science, maths and technology, but could you trust them with your life? Can they be in charge of others? Most people, and especially people in important positions highly doubt that. You cannot be disabled and successful in life, or at least after the point you break down! Neurotypical people don’t understand how this happens. If you are their equal, why do you expect and accept to be treated differently? If you want to belong in the group why don’t you continue to do so without making a fuss about you and your diagnosis they are all sick to hear about? It’s all about people’s rights in the end, I guess and how much we don’t understand or respect them. But if you really think about it, it’s not unlike a black person telling a white person that they cannot become a beach lifeguard just because they ask for extra time beforehand to apply sun cream on! And yes, I am aware of the irony here. This would only happen in an alternative world where the rules we play by (our so called western civilisation) would have been created by some black people. Similarly, we Aspies have to adjust to the environment they created just because they are more than us and they set the rules. That’s all!
My neurotypical friend has been subtly doubting my diagnosis from the moment I told her I was suspecting it. I could feel it. To be honest I couldn’t blame her, I was doubting it as well. After I got my official diagnosis things starting to change positively for me. When I told her she kept asking me about the person that delivered it and about how formal it is. She went so far as to ask a psychiatrist friend of hers. I kept answering these questions as if nothing happened and then at some point recently we were having a cup of tea with a couple of other people and she mentioned to everyone that she is wondering whether some of her problems stem from the fact that her parents used the cry it out method to train her for sleeping. Knowing her better than the others and after giving it a thought, I said that I think this is not what her problems stem from. She looked at me in shock and said that it would be nicer if I told her that she doesn’t have any real problems, just to comfort her for a change! That came as a slap in the face! Where did this rule come from? It must be a new one since I haven’t encountered it before. This event was followed by me trying to explain my autistic brain to her and how it works and at that point she told me she was just joking and I don’t need to use any disclaimers. Again I tried to explain the ways in which my brain is different and she told me that we are all a bit like this and that. When we met again with the others a similar event made her angry with me. Apparently my behaviour has nothing to do with autism since it cannot be justified by her as such and cannot be accepted. ‘I am glad you are starting to find yourself , she said, but I don’t like it.
Her words have been buzzing in my head for weeks now. In the beginning I was so sad. The imposter syndrome hit again, making me feel I am not really autistic and that I pretend to be to get away with things. What’s the most funny part though, is that I was never one to get away with things. Always consistent and reliable, always loyal to people. I also realised that although she told me how she feels there were others that have just been avoiding me, making me thing they must feel similarly! I was angry and sad. Has my masking over the years attracted the wrong people? Am I suddenly a bad person for wanting to drop the mask? Who cares if it’s the good thing for you to do if you end up having no friends? Does autism come with the characteristic of being perceived an arsehole? Or, even worse: are we arseholes?
The answer is no. These trains of thoughts don’t really help me or anyone else move forward now, does it? How do we escape the imposter syndrome as autistic individuals? How do we convince people that we don’t behave ‘inappropriately’ on purpose and that we don’t just conveniently play stupid? These are big questions I don’t know the answers to but I am happy to keep talking about autism to smart people and daft ones as well. I am hopeful, that some day we will know more about our brains and this knowledge will eventually be transferred and communicated to people from all walks of life to understand. New studies have recently shown that we can be surprisingly creative together, neurotypical and autistic individuals. I think such findings promote the willingness to understand each other better and put in a little effort to bridge the gap between our minds in order to achieve something special. I feel we should be able to do great things together including positive changes in the society we live in, in education and why not, even change the political front. It will also help some stubborn specialists and clinicians to take the necessary turn towards the neurodiversity paradigm and stop treating autism as if it is a disease.